One of the nastiest problems experienced by Churches is relationship problems. It rears its ugly head among church members and leaders alike.

Grudges, cold wars, gossip, misunderstandings, speculations, unforgiveness abound in the church. It’s no surprise that these should happen – we’re sinners after all. But these point to the fact that we generally lack virtues toward one another; that we lack harmonious relationships.

We have a big sin problem in today’s church. There are warring factions, family discord, divorce threats, ministry problems, etc. Could it be that we don’t desire peace or that we care less if we’re living in conflict? When we get into conflicts, why is it that we don’t hunger for reconciliation? We know God desires reconciliation, but we don’t see it through.

Hebrews 12 tells us to cast away the sins that beset us in order to run the Christian race. The sin of discord was of particular concern. Hebrews 12:14,15 says, "Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord, looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

Such a sin must be cast from us and the root of bitterness excised. There needs to be radical amputation. Jesus said in Matthew 5:30, "And if thy right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." So how do we cast this sin of discord from us? What must we do when our grudge won’t budge?

In order to excise this sin, we must first pursue peace. We are told to follow "peace." It gives the idea of a hunter in pursuit of a prey. He follows the animal over streams, through forests, along rivers, and the hills. He works earnestly to capture that prized animal. He doesn’t sit there waiting with his trap, but actively seeks it out. So it’s not just to be peaceful when nobody bothers you, but to go out of your way to be peaceful. We are to give up things we enjoy like the respect due us, in order to have this peace.

But the reason we’re unwilling to pursue peace is because we love sin more than obedience. We resurrect the old man by our actions: 1. You hurt me, so I snub you. 2. Because I snub you, you gossip about me. 3. Because you gossip about me, I discredit you to others. 4. When you prosper, I become jealous. 5. When you fail at something, I rejoice. 6. When you repent and grow spiritually, I hide my spiritual immaturity, so I don’t look bad next to you.

But all through this, do we thirst for peace? It seems we’re happy with war, because the alternative requires humility to forgive or seek forgiveness. So how do we pursue it?

Firstly, we pursue peace by praying for it. 1 Timothy 2:1-2 tells us that we must pray for a life of peace. Secondly, we pursue it by working for peace, specifically by becoming holy. Psalm 34:14 tells us to "Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it." In other words, peace and holiness are linked. The less holy we are, the less peaceable we will be. A person who always has conflicts with others is not a holy person. So this is what the writer of Hebrews tells us: "Follow peace with all men and holiness." When we are holy, our relationships will be affected.

Peace, however, must not come at the price of holiness – though we strive for unity, it must not be at the expense of truth. We must be peaceful, but never at peace with sin. While purity is important, courtesy is vital. There are those who battle for purity with a very hostile spirit.

As Spurgeon said, "Some who have aimed at holiness have made the great mistake of supposing it needful to be morose, contentious, faultfinding, and censorious with everybody else. Their holiness has consisted of negatives, protests, and oppositions for oppositions sake. Their religion mainly lies in contrarieties and singularities... [But] courtesy is not inconsistent with faithfulness... Follow holiness, but do not needlessly endanger peace."

Nobody can become holy without agonizing to be holy. You must pursue it with the endurance of a hunter. So when your grudge won’t budge, pursue peace and purity.

Also important in budging your grudge is to get God’s grace. We are told to look diligently that no man lacks the grace of God. The Greek word for "looking diligently" implies that we must be extra vigilant to ensure that no man resists God’s grace. We must be like a man on a watchtower looking for invaders.

Why should this be so? It’s because there’s no hope of unity without the grace of God! God’s grace encompasses every area of our Christian walk. It is the cause of our salvation (Ephesians 2:8,9), its sufficiency helps us overcome hardship (2 Corinthians 12:9), in every case, we may go to God to obtain grace during times of need (Hebrews 4:16), God abounds grace that we might have an abundance for every work (Ephesians 4:7), it teaches us to turn away from sin (Titus 2:11,12), wherever sin abounds, grace abounds more (Romans 5:20,21), and we are what we are because of God’s grace (1 Corinthians 15:10).

Without grace, we can do nothing. And so, the writer of Hebrews tells us not to resist the grace of God.

We can resist God’s grace in our relationships. When there’s grace sufficient that we should not take offence, we resist it and get angry. When there’s grace abundant that we should seek another’s understanding, we resist grace and speculate. It’s as if we are told, "Take my grace and be not angry. You don’t need to be jealous, receive my grace. You don’t need to be irritated, receive my grace. You don’t need to bear a grudge, get my grace. Why do you have such a vengeful spirit? Get my grace. You know you need to be reconciled, get my grace."

So such vigilance is important. Unfortunately, such vigilance is not very prevalent in the church. Many problems are allowed to continue because many are not doing their parts as peacemakers. We are told that one of the roles of a Christian is peacemaking. Matthew 5:9 says, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God." But many in the church have become afflicted with what some call the "Bystander Effect." We no longer care to make peacemaking our business. This is sin, as pursuing the peace and purity of others is our responsibility. So in budging our grudge, we mustn’t forget to get God’s grace.

But what happens when we reject God’s grace? Well, we obviously fall into sin! We’re told that if we reject God’s grace, a root of bitterness will trouble us, and many will be defiled. So what’s this root of bitterness? SIN! A root can grow unseen underground, ultimately bearing shoots that will bear forth fruits. Sin, when untreated, will grow and bear forth enoxious fruits too.

When we reject God’s grace, we turn our backs on the only thing that will help us do the right thing. When we do so, we won’t have a conscience void of offence toward God, and toward men (Acts 24:16). And when we continue to resist the Spirit’s working, we quench his operationin us. We may know we are wrong, but we will not care. And when we put away a good conscience, we will shipwreck our faith (1 Timothy 1:19).

Resentment when unchecked will grow into anger; which may in turn bear forth the bitter fruit of an unkind word or an anonymous letter. It’s so easy to fall into this trap, because we love our sins and we love being angry. Without dealing with the root of the matter, by complete surrender to God’s grace in obedience, we will fail.

Bitterness defiles us – it sucks up all the strength of the soil leaving nothing for good roots. When we are consumed with anger and conflict, we won’t have much energy to concentrate on whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, of virtue, and of praise!

So to battle bitterness, we must repent by firstly denying our sinful desires – "Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me" (Mark 8:34). We do it by following Christ’s humility – "Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:5). We do it by emulating the character of Christ – "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God" (Matthew 5:9).

Bitterness leads one to be very unpleasant, as it destroys one’s countenance. Psalm 32:3,4 tells us, "When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer." These verses tell us that physical torment from the Lord affects those who hold on to their sins. Bitterness not only etches our faces but heavies our hearts and wears down our teeth. So if you’re at all concerned about how you look, don’t hold on to bitterness.

We are called to live peaceably. This is hard. It’s even harder when you have a grudge that won’t budge. We may guard our doctrines with zeal; we may desire to serve God and to be involved in a huge building project; but if we nurse sins of discord and pride and do nothing to right the wrong, how can our endeavours be blessed?

We make a mockery of the Lord’s Supper – whether taking it or serving it – if we let grudges remain. It is sin. This means of grace is rendered useless. Are many weak, sickly, and "asleep" because of this?

It’s hard to budge our grudge. But we are called to be peacemakers with one another and to help others to make peace. When we do so, gently and humbly, we help ourselves receive grace, and others tormented by unforgiving hearts. The "Bystander Effect" has no place in any church.

We have sinned by our mouths and hurt others; we have gloried in their mistakes; and we have not sought hard enough to make it right. But the way to budge our grudge is clear – we must pursue peace and purity, get God’s grace, and battle bitterness. Such endeavour is incumbent on us to perform. And when we should all budge our grudge and help others to budge their grudge, only then can problems in the Church be solved.

May our Lord’s Suppers be characterized by true penitence and forgiveness. May our church be characterized by true unity. Though hard, it’s not impossible nor improbable; it’s doable, for we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). —MC