I am not an expert in marriage counseling. There are many Christian counselors out there to help you in your marital problems. Like any other church, I see marital problems in our church. I received some feedback on my last article in January – "Can My Marriage be Saved?" Knowing some of our young people are contemplating marriage, I feel led to write on the above topic to warn and prepare them for a marriage that will last for a lifetime. The article is also appropriate for married couples.

I do not claim any originality for my article. I write from my own experiences and ideas gathered over the years. May God be pleased to use it to help both married couples to be and already married couples to have a marriage that pleases God who instituted the first marriage in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:18-25).

Why did you get married? What were the factors that influenced your decision? What were your expectations of marriage? What did you picture marriage to be? Has it turned out the way you thought it would?

These are crucial questions that need honest answers. Sad to say, many young people tied their knots with a very limited idea of what a lifelong commitment to a relationship entails. Two people meet, fall in love (whatever the love is), the relationship develops and, on the basis of a strong emotional attachment to each other, they decide to get married. When the honeymoon is over and life settles into a routine, they become confused and disillusioned. During the courtship and honeymoon there was a certain glow. They talked for hours about everything under the sun. They had something to look forward to. But what are they supposed to do now?

I notice this is happening to many couples in many churches. Life has its ups and downs. Problems have to be faced at work. The routine becomes boring. Habits and idiosyncrasies that were funny before now become problems. Tension develops and disillusion sets in.

What to do? You panic and feel insecure. So you decide to have a baby. For a while there is great excitement, but babies grow up, with all the weariness, decisions and responsibilities that entails. Impatience and selfishness and the resulting conflict stir up panic and anxiety all over again. You decide to have another baby thinking that it may help to bring some peace and joy, but the tension and misery persist because you did not know what marriage was when you entered the relationship.

My dear brethren, a marriage that is based only on sentiment or emotional attachment usually runs into many difficulties. Yes, marriage does involve emotions, feelings, physical attraction, hopes and dreams, but it is much more than that. If marriage is to last long enough to truly become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:3-6), then there needs to be something more binding than a Certificate of Marriage to hold it together. Without the binding commitment of a covenant, a marriage is only a promise on a piece of paper.

The only Holy Scripture in the Bible where the word "covenant" is used in direct relationship to marriage is at the closing of the Old Testament. In response to man’s cry as to why the Lord would not accept his weeping and tears, the prophet said, "Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant" (Malachi 2:14).

Here is a warning to all husbands! How they treat their wives is singled out as a reason the Lord refuses to answer their prayers. Writing to the persecuted Christians in Asia Minor, Peter seemed to say the same thing – "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. Show them great respect since they are more delicate than you. Remember they are also fellow heirs of the grace of life. Do this so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Marriage is a commitment to love and serve one another selflessly. Ephesians 5:21-33 is probably the best passage to portray such a New Testament model of marriage. Here are six guidelines that emerge from it for your perusal.

When God created Adam with dominion over the earth (Genesis 1:26, 28), Eve ruled over the earth with him as his helpmate, not as his servant (Genesis 2:18). In a sense, God created Adam king over the creation and gave Eve to him as his queen, not as his slave-girl. There is all the difference in the world between a queen and a slave-girl.

When Paul said that the husband is to be the head of the wife, he was not saying that the submission of a wife conveys a position of subservience (Ephesians 5:21, 22). In fact, her submission to her husband does not give him a licence for tyranny nor does it mean that he is never to consult her or to lean upon her wisdom and take her concerns and judgment seriously.

The submission of the wife to her husband is not inferiority, but it is a service and an act of worship that she gives to the Lord Himself. It is the Lord’s will that she be submissive to her husband, and if she wants to honour Christ, then one of the concrete ways she does this is by being in submission to her husband. However, if she is contentious and refuses to follow the headship of her husband, then she is in rebellion, not simply against him, but also against Christ.

There is no doubt that marriage involves the mutual submission of both husband and wife. However, the idea of serving each partner does not mean that there are no roles in the family. According to the teaching of Paul to the Ephesians, God vested the headship of the family in the man (Ephesians 5:23). This headship is never intended to be a weapon of superiority in argument. Rather it provides a clearly defined framework that will bring a sense of security, order, emotional and spiritual well-being.

When the head of the family plays his rightful role, he brings much joy to his wife when she sees her husband taking a loving care and control of family affairs. Let us not forget and neglect our rightful role that God has vested on us as husbands. The reason is that failing to do so can bring untold heartaches not only to ourselves, but also to our loved ones.

The husband is commanded to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25). However, some husbands say, "I’ll love my wife as Christ loved the Church as soon as she starts to submit herself to me!" Was that how Christ loved the Church? Some wives will say, "I will subject myself to my husband only when he starts loving me." Is that what God’s Word teaches?

Love is sacrificial. Would a woman be afraid to submit herself to a man who loved her as much as Jesus loved the Church? Would a woman fight and kick and scream against the headship of a man who is willing to give his lifeblood to do anything he could to save her life?

When love rules in a marriage relationship, it is not important anymore who wins the argument or who harasses or embarrasses who in public. Love covers a multitude of sins (Proverbs 10:12; 1 Peter 4:8).

One of the complaints of wives is that they do not feel loved by their husbands. Women need to be told a thousand times a day that they are loved – they are made that way! Oftentimes, husbands say, "But she knows I love her! I come home every night. I earn good money. I give her more than she needs monthly. I buy roses for her on Valentine’s Day or on her birthday." That may be true, but she still needs to hear it.

Women have a different makeup. They have an inbred instinct that says, "I want you to talk to me. Tell me I’m beautiful and attractive. Touch me, speak gently to me and show me that you care." Believe it or not, this nurturing, verbal and physical love, romantic and sentimental though it may be, is a crucial factor in making your marriage work.

Some husbands are not talkers by nature. We tend to be silent, non-expressive, non-verbal, tough, macho creatures. We have the strange idea that all we need to do is to have a good shower, apply some cologne and appear before our wives in pajamas and they will be ready, willing and able to comply. We are terribly shocked when they shake their heads, turn and go to sleep.

Have you wondered why sometimes you see ugly guys with gorgeous women? How do they do it? Let me tell you. They talk, show love, care and concern, and they have a touch of romance, not pajamas! Let us do it and our wives will be happy.

The marriage relationship should reflect Christ’s relationship to the Church (Ephesians 5:32). Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her, so men ought to love their wives and be willing to sacrifice themselves for them.

According to the New Testament teaching, Christ is the bridegroom and Christians are the brides. That is why in the Christian wedding ceremony, we say that the marriage signifies the mysterious union between Christ and His people. Let us examine our marriage relationship and see if this is true in our own relationship. If this element is missing, it may explain why we are facing the pain of divorce.

Marriage, it’s forever! Jesus said, "Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6). Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It is a partnership between a man and a woman with exclusive love and fidelity to one another. It is also known as "Troth" which means "loyal" or "pledged faithfulness." As the relationship flourishes and blooms, blessings abound. Even in times of trial the "troth" made between themselves and God will be a constant reminder that no adverse circumstances would undermine the sanctity of the marriage vows.

Dear married couple, remember the marriage vows you said to each other before God and the congregation on your wedding day – "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part (not from "till death do us part" to "satisfaction guaranteed or your money back"), according to God’s holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge thee my troth." Look to God and ask him for grace and strength to keep it.

Marriage is for life. Such commitment means that all past relationships are over. There must be no reservations, no regrets, only a willing, voluntary and glad commitment to one partner until death parts you. Amen. —CW