Marriage was designed by God to be a permanent
relationship between only one man and one woman (Genesis 2:22-24) that
should be entered into "reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and
in the fear of God." However, the prevailing trend today is for couples
to enter into marriage without sufficient thought, maturity or
preparation. The result is marriages that end up in much unhappiness,
strife and eventual break-up. Unfortunately, this is happening with
increasing frequency to Christian couples as well, compromising their
testimony for Christ.
One common cause for marriage failure comes from the
popular notion that love is all that is needed for success in blissful
wedded living. But the love so often portrayed in the media is a self-centred
love, based merely on what gratifies the senses. Those who easily "fall
in love at first sight" hardly have what it takes to sustain a life-long
marriage relationship. Contrary to this, the Word of God teaches that
marriage takes more than love. The following ingredients are essential
for a successful marriage:
For the Couple: A Common Trust in the Lord
No bond of marriage can ever be complete without the
element of spiritual unity. Conflicts will arise whenever husband and
wife are not in agreement, especially in matters of faith (2 Corinthians
6:14; Amos 3:3). On the other hand, nothing can be better for building a
strong Christian marriage than to have full agreement of the knowledge
of God, of trust in God, and of purposeful living for God. Psalm 127:1 –
"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it…"
A common trust in the Lord will lead the couple also
toward a common obedience to all His commandments, including those that
define the duties of the husband and of the wife, as found in Ephesians
5:22-33…
For the Wife: Submission and Reverence
Ephesians 5:22 – "Wives, submit yourselves unto
your own husbands, as unto the Lord." This is not a forced
submission, since the verse ends with the phrase "as unto the Lord."
The Christian wife submits lovingly and willingly to her husband in
the same way that she would submit herself willingly to the Lord Jesus
Christ. She must always recognize the fact that God has given him the
leadership role in the marriage, and she should never attempt to usurp
this role. "For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ
is the head of the church." (v.23)
Wifely submission is not a popular concept today.
Some would consider the very thought of it to be offensive,
old-fashioned and even unjust. But such submission is based on an
eternal principle: Adam was formed before Eve (1 Timothy 2:12,13). Thus,
whatever era she may live in, whether ancient or modern, the Christian
wife is to submit to her husband. This submission is not meant to
oppress her or to deprive her of having equal status with her husband.
In the eyes of God, husband and wife are "heirs together of the grace
of life" (1 Peter 3:7). Some women have distinguished themselves
well in political and commercial leadership. There is no question at all
of equal opportunities in these areas. It is only in terms of assigned
functions in the Church and the home that men and women are different.
Some would ask: Does submission mean that a wife must
give up all her initiative and creativity? Not at all. In Proverbs
31:10-31, we see the virtuous wife exercising much initiative within her
role of submission, e.g. vv.16-18 – "She considereth a field, and
buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She
girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She
perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by
night." Despite all this, she submits fully to her husband, as in
vv.11-12 – "The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so
that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil
all the days of her life." He has no fear that she will usurp his
authority.
There is another injunction that a godly wife should
follow: She is to "see that she reverence her husband."
(Ephesians 5:33) This injunction goes closely with the preceding one. It
clarifies the spirit or attitude with which the wife is to submit to her
husband. The word translated "reverence" here is the basic word
for "fear." The fear of the wife for her husband is actually
patterned after the fear of the Church for God or for Christ (Ephesians
5:21). It is not a slavish fear, but a holy reverence. The word is used
in the Old Testament for the reverence due to God, and the respect which
God’s people have for their divinely appointed leader (Joshua 4:14 –
"On that day the LORD magnified Joshua in the sight of all Israel; and
they feared him, as they feared Moses, all the days of his life.").
In the context of marriage, such reverence should
keep the wife from making undue critical remarks about her husband in
public. Whatever criticism she has about him should be aired only within
the privacy of their home or bedroom. Such reverence will also help her
not to dominate her husband through incessant nagging (cf. Proverbs
27:15). It will enable her instead to adorn herself with a meek and
quiet spirit, which gives her the greatest attractiveness in God’s sight
(1 Peter 3:3,4)! In the case of a wife who becomes a believer after
marriage, such a spirit, accompanied by a transformed life and sincere
prayer, can be a powerful means of winning her unbelieving spouse to
Christ (1 Peter 3:1,2).
But what if the wife has a naturally strong
personality, and her husband is naturally gentle or passive? It is not
wrong for them to be married to each other, but it is wrong to allow
their personalities to lead to a reversal of God’s ordained order for
the home. In such a case, both husband and wife need to work harder to
maintain that order, and to temper their personalities with His help, so
that they can obey God’s Word within their marriage.
For the Husband: Headship and Selfless Love
Ephesians 5:23 – "For the husband is the head of
the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the
saviour of the body." This verse shows that the husband must
function as the leader in the family. He must fulfill his leadership
role by doing things like planning, deciding, organising, delegating,
and supervising matters at home. It is his responsibility to ensure the
safety of the family, to secure it from danger, to provide for its
welfare, and to lead in regular family worship. No matter how busy he
may be with his work or career, he must not abdicate this
responsibility. Oftentimes, the blame for a reversal of roles in the
home lies with the husband who leaves a leadership vacuum that needs to
be filled.
It is important to note that the husband’s leadership
does not mean that he is to issue forth commands at home like a military
commander, and expect unquestioning obedience to all his dictates. More
often the husband leads by giving reasonable requests. As a good leader
he also consults his wife, and seeks her views on the course of action
to be followed (cf. Philemon 8,9). But both of them must agree that the
final decision rests upon him, and he is answerable for it. That
acknowledges that the husband has the final responsibility as the head
of the home.
We come now to v.25 which says, "Husbands, love
your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for
it." This is a command from God, not an option. Christian husbands
do not have the choice to love or not love their wives. The Holy
Scriptures command them to do this. They must do it. If a
Christian does not truly love his wife in a godly fashion, he is living
in disobedience to the Lord. This is a very important matter. If a
husband acts as the head of the home, but does not love his wife, then
God’s pattern has been destroyed, and the home will not truly be a
Christian home.
This godly kind of love is not something that comes
naturally. It must be learned. In order to teach us exactly what is
meant by the word ‘love,’ this passage makes a very important
comparison: The love of a husband for his wife should be modeled on
nothing less than the love that Christ has for the Church. Christ has
provided the supreme pattern for us to follow, in order that a husband
can know the manner in which he is to love his wife:
Firstly, this love is characterised by commitment.
Christ was so committed to the Church that He gave Himself for the
Church. In Christian marriage, love means being firmly committed to
one’s own wife, regardless of how one may feel about her. Little
irritations and strange habits may change the way he feels about her
over time. Even things like how a tube of toothpaste is pressed can
cause friction. A couple may even argue about the way to place a toilet
roll on the holder - one says that the paper should roll off in front,
the other says that the paper should roll off behind! Feelings may
change with time, and may even be hurt with time. But if there is
commitment to one another in the marriage relationship, there will be a
willingness to forgive, and the husband’s love for his wife will remain
strong and steadfast.
Besides commitment there must also be
constructiveness in a husband’s love. Christ did everything He could
for His Bride. He sanctified and cleansed the Church, removing all her
spots and wrinkles. In the same way, the Christian husband must realize
that he ought to do everything he can to be a constructive influence in
the life of his wife, to build her up, being sensitive to her many needs
– physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
There is one good way to tell that you have genuine
love for your wife - When meeting her needs are as important to you as
meeting your own needs. When God created the first woman and brought her
to Adam, the first thing he said was, "This is now bone of my bones,
and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken
out of Man." (Genesis 2:23) Every husband should think of his wife
this way. She has become a part of him, and he must therefore take very
good care of her.
For All: Dependence on Christ
Thus we have briefly considered the duties of
husbands and wives, and seen that marriage certainly takes more than
love! Fulfilling these duties is essential for a happy and lasting
Christian marriage. However it must be stated that it is not easy to
maintain these levels of commitment, constructiveness, submission and
leadership in any marriage. Sin has rendered us all imperfect marriage
partners. Many things have gone wrong with marriages in this world ever
since sin entered into the world.
The solution to this lies in having Jesus Christ in
one’s life and depending upon Him for wisdom and for power to do His
will. Christian husbands and Christian wives can be all that they ought
to be, through Christ alone who strengthens them (Philippians 4:13).
That is why the most important person in the marriage is not the husband
nor the wife, but Christ! Christian Marriage is not a relationship
involving only two persons, but three - Christ, the Husband, and the
Wife (cf. Ecclesiastes 4:12 - "a threefold cord is not easily
broken."). —CS
